Balance

In order to be healthy, you're supposed to have balance in your life, right? Sleep enough but don't oversleep. Eat enough, not too much, and only the right things. Have hobbies, but work before play. Exercise. Work hard and be good at your job but don't make it your whole life. Dedicate time and energy to your relationship, but have friends you spend time with also.

I know how to do all of these things, somehow. But my present situation makes that balance so hard to find. We'll start with the fact that work doesn't end when I go home. I have to study, review my schedule, plan for tomorrow, and discuss my cases with an attending on the phone every night. I try to coordinate studying with one of my classmates so I can get that friend time in there and also make progress on learning for work.

I eat well, most of the time, but since I have so little time, it's not ideal...either too heavy or too light...it never leaves me feeling content like when I cooked for N and myself in Philly. So I never really feel properly fueled.

I exercise...found a great place to to kickboxing nearby, but I can't do it every day...both because of exhaustion from work, soreness from prior workouts, and needing to split my time between studies and working late/call. And when I have a headache? Forget it. Not happening. Headaches come with less sleep and longer hours at work.

Sleep...I try to get to bed early, even as much as 8 pm some nights, but that all depends on my ability to fit all that other stuff in before that time. Often I don't get to bed until after 10, with all I have to accomplish, and of course, what I REALLY want to do: talk to N. Her schedule is worse than mine, and we find maybe an hour, or significantly less, to talk each day. This is a huge departure from being together in most of our spare time for the 2 years before we moved apart. So even when I can, precariously, keep all my other plates spinning, this one seems like it's the hardest to keep in the air. Lacking the balance I crave makes me stressed and crave that stability even more...

Today was exhausting. I did 3 cases at work, all of which were over my head. Even though I was assigned with a senior resident for those cases, it was still a lot of work last night and I was on my toes all day. That and my attending asked me a lot of questions about things that I should probably have known, somehow, but didn't. I'm feeling knocked down a bit, and have a headache, and all I want is a decent dinner and to curl up with N on the couch, talk about our days, and then watch something dumb on TV until we fall asleep and start the whole thing over again. Sigh.

I'm scrambling, but I'm okay for now. In a way, I'm distracted from missing N by my busy job, but really, that's just a disruption of my balance. Sigh. What to do? Is all year going to be like this?