It's funny how life gets in the way of documenting my life...my oh my how things do change.
I survived the surgical ICU and two more months of the OR...regular and ambulatory surgery. There have been ups and downs, I think I'm getting better at my job, and time marches on. Call schedules are never favorable, people are always being unfair, and I'm always tired. I think that sentence sums up medical residency pretty well.
On the personal side of things, I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with N and her family in Pittsburgh! I got 4 days off from work, thanks to one of my generous colleagues who traded calls with me, and I had an amazing time. The consistency of being together for nearly a week made life feel normal again. Until I came back to New Haven.
Things are up in the air these days. N had an amazing two months in cardiac pediatric anesthesia and is likely going to pursue additional training, which inevitably means more time apart. We miss each other so much that we're both riddled with chest pangs and moments of coming nearly to tears for no apparent reason. Living apart is just...so hard when residency is involved. Unpredictable and demanding schedules prevent us from making plans, and when we can make plans, they end up ruined often times.
I know that it's "just a year" turning into "it's just one and a half or two years," and I know that in the long run, this may not make a lot of difference, but the truth is, we're miserable. It's so damn hard to look ahead at months more of this. So hard to be away from the person I love so much all the time. I feel like life happens in fits and starts, or when we're apart, like the other night with N went with her brother and his wife and child to a flower show. They sent me a photo...and I cried. I just wanted to be there so much. I hate having to hear about her life on the phone, on my cell which gets bad reception in my apartment. My heart breaks every day.
But we're professionals, and we're developing careers, and this is how it has to be, I guess. I feel trapped. There's no good way to make things work nicely at this point, so we have to settle for the best we can do. I've been in a place before where all I could hope for was my future, but then I met N and I knew what it was to be happy *right now.* Now it's really hard to be back in that place, wondering when things will just feel normal again.
Maybe N should try to go to Boston for fellowship, even though it will be one year and not 6 months? Maybe I should try to find another residency where we can be closer? Maybe we should both just quit, skip the country, and hide in Trinidad weaving baskets?
I just don't know.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
For the record, I'm not a moron
I had my first official day of SICU as a resident today. The way the rotation works is as follows:
Three residents. One on call, one pre-call, one post call from the night before.
Postcall resident has been there all night and sees all the patients in the morning, writes their notes before rounds, if possible. Presents patients at morning report. Presents patients on rounds, stays til rounds are over and notes are written, goes home.
On call resident listens real good on rounds and makes the to-do list. Then does the to-do list after everyone else leaves.
Pre-call resident enters all the patient orders on rounds. Then goes over the to-do list and leaves.
I was pre-call resident today, and on-call resident treated me like shit all day. I swear, she thinks I can't do anything and have no brain. It's highly annoying. You know those martyr people who insist upon doing everything themselves and fishing for sympathy, even when there are many capable hands to share the work? Yeah, it was like that. Shoot me in the face.
If she's the same way tomorrow, she gets a piece of my mind. Cause today just felt like a massive, useless waste of time to me.
Sigh.
Three residents. One on call, one pre-call, one post call from the night before.
Postcall resident has been there all night and sees all the patients in the morning, writes their notes before rounds, if possible. Presents patients at morning report. Presents patients on rounds, stays til rounds are over and notes are written, goes home.
On call resident listens real good on rounds and makes the to-do list. Then does the to-do list after everyone else leaves.
Pre-call resident enters all the patient orders on rounds. Then goes over the to-do list and leaves.
I was pre-call resident today, and on-call resident treated me like shit all day. I swear, she thinks I can't do anything and have no brain. It's highly annoying. You know those martyr people who insist upon doing everything themselves and fishing for sympathy, even when there are many capable hands to share the work? Yeah, it was like that. Shoot me in the face.
If she's the same way tomorrow, she gets a piece of my mind. Cause today just felt like a massive, useless waste of time to me.
Sigh.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Is it over yet?
I had a great weekend with N. Trip to the local beach, great meals together, lots of down time.
Then I took her to the airport and she left.
And now I'm miserable. Is it June yet.
That's really all I have to say.
Then I took her to the airport and she left.
And now I'm miserable. Is it June yet.
That's really all I have to say.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Balance
In order to be healthy, you're supposed to have balance in your life, right? Sleep enough but don't oversleep. Eat enough, not too much, and only the right things. Have hobbies, but work before play. Exercise. Work hard and be good at your job but don't make it your whole life. Dedicate time and energy to your relationship, but have friends you spend time with also.
I know how to do all of these things, somehow. But my present situation makes that balance so hard to find. We'll start with the fact that work doesn't end when I go home. I have to study, review my schedule, plan for tomorrow, and discuss my cases with an attending on the phone every night. I try to coordinate studying with one of my classmates so I can get that friend time in there and also make progress on learning for work.
I eat well, most of the time, but since I have so little time, it's not ideal...either too heavy or too light...it never leaves me feeling content like when I cooked for N and myself in Philly. So I never really feel properly fueled.
I exercise...found a great place to to kickboxing nearby, but I can't do it every day...both because of exhaustion from work, soreness from prior workouts, and needing to split my time between studies and working late/call. And when I have a headache? Forget it. Not happening. Headaches come with less sleep and longer hours at work.
Sleep...I try to get to bed early, even as much as 8 pm some nights, but that all depends on my ability to fit all that other stuff in before that time. Often I don't get to bed until after 10, with all I have to accomplish, and of course, what I REALLY want to do: talk to N. Her schedule is worse than mine, and we find maybe an hour, or significantly less, to talk each day. This is a huge departure from being together in most of our spare time for the 2 years before we moved apart. So even when I can, precariously, keep all my other plates spinning, this one seems like it's the hardest to keep in the air. Lacking the balance I crave makes me stressed and crave that stability even more...
Today was exhausting. I did 3 cases at work, all of which were over my head. Even though I was assigned with a senior resident for those cases, it was still a lot of work last night and I was on my toes all day. That and my attending asked me a lot of questions about things that I should probably have known, somehow, but didn't. I'm feeling knocked down a bit, and have a headache, and all I want is a decent dinner and to curl up with N on the couch, talk about our days, and then watch something dumb on TV until we fall asleep and start the whole thing over again. Sigh.
I'm scrambling, but I'm okay for now. In a way, I'm distracted from missing N by my busy job, but really, that's just a disruption of my balance. Sigh. What to do? Is all year going to be like this?
I know how to do all of these things, somehow. But my present situation makes that balance so hard to find. We'll start with the fact that work doesn't end when I go home. I have to study, review my schedule, plan for tomorrow, and discuss my cases with an attending on the phone every night. I try to coordinate studying with one of my classmates so I can get that friend time in there and also make progress on learning for work.
I eat well, most of the time, but since I have so little time, it's not ideal...either too heavy or too light...it never leaves me feeling content like when I cooked for N and myself in Philly. So I never really feel properly fueled.
I exercise...found a great place to to kickboxing nearby, but I can't do it every day...both because of exhaustion from work, soreness from prior workouts, and needing to split my time between studies and working late/call. And when I have a headache? Forget it. Not happening. Headaches come with less sleep and longer hours at work.
Sleep...I try to get to bed early, even as much as 8 pm some nights, but that all depends on my ability to fit all that other stuff in before that time. Often I don't get to bed until after 10, with all I have to accomplish, and of course, what I REALLY want to do: talk to N. Her schedule is worse than mine, and we find maybe an hour, or significantly less, to talk each day. This is a huge departure from being together in most of our spare time for the 2 years before we moved apart. So even when I can, precariously, keep all my other plates spinning, this one seems like it's the hardest to keep in the air. Lacking the balance I crave makes me stressed and crave that stability even more...
Today was exhausting. I did 3 cases at work, all of which were over my head. Even though I was assigned with a senior resident for those cases, it was still a lot of work last night and I was on my toes all day. That and my attending asked me a lot of questions about things that I should probably have known, somehow, but didn't. I'm feeling knocked down a bit, and have a headache, and all I want is a decent dinner and to curl up with N on the couch, talk about our days, and then watch something dumb on TV until we fall asleep and start the whole thing over again. Sigh.
I'm scrambling, but I'm okay for now. In a way, I'm distracted from missing N by my busy job, but really, that's just a disruption of my balance. Sigh. What to do? Is all year going to be like this?
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Bad blogger
Life has, unfortunately and fortunately, been too busy for me to blog.
I'll summarize the last two months...
1. Move to Connecticut, apartment couldn't be smaller, but here I am
2. Back to Philadelphia to enjoy two weeks with N before she moves
3. N's movers fuck up and arrive 4 hours late. Insanity follows. We move out of our beautiful Philadelphia apartment and bid farewell to our friends with an amazing dinner at Tria
4. Two days later N starts work and I start work. Things are positively insanely crazy. N's family helps move her in. My classmates seem nice
5. I go to Pittsburgh to visit N for the first time, and we find out her mother has found out N is gay. Shit. More drama follows. We can't go to WA for vacation anymore.
(N throughout all of this is studying for her anesthesia boards. Stress levels are at an all-time high.)
6. I go back to CT and finish my orientation and start working. Anesthesia is great! I visit Pittsburgh a few times for moral support.
7. N takes anesthesiology boards. It's finally, finally over.
8. We spend most of vacation in Pittsburgh. It's amazing to be with N again, and the week is all-too short.
9. I go to Portland, OR for the weekend to see my mother, grandmother, and dog who is dying of cancer. I may never see her again. Cancer sucks.
That about catches us up to this week. I may back-track and make a few posts, but only if I have time...it's been a really, really crazy summer and so much of what happened was so emotional I really don't want to re-live it all just now.
Today is pretty much my first weekend day in CT alone. I used it to sleep in and get work done...finally registered my car and got my new driver's license. Can you believe they charge property tax on your car in this town? Insanity. I've also been tidying the shoebox.
Now that N is done with her test and we were spoiled by a week together, I'm really missing her and feeling the unfairness of this whole thing. It's hard to hear other people talking about their home lives, see posts on F.acebook...I want her with me!!! I know we'll make it through this year, but it just makes me feel ill that I don't know the next time we'll see each other. Her job only creates the schedule once per month, so there's no telling what her calls will be like until very short notice. Sigh.
On the work front, things are mostly going well. I seem to be pretty good at the technical procedures (IV, arterial line, intubation) and the basics of maintaining an anesthetic and coming up with a plan. It's still sometimes hard for me to know how to approach a "hiccup" in my plan or wake a patient up from anesthesia. Waking up is harder! Figuring out the timing of when to give what medicine, and when not to, will come in time, but so far...I think I'm okay for my level of training. Tomorrow is my first weekend call, so we'll see how that goes when there's not a a lot of supervision to go around.
I had a rotten morning yesterday, which has been the exception to my otherwise great week. The attending I was working with for a cardiac case was really uninterested in me being there and nothing I did was right. I placed a 16 g IV in the hallway in seconds, intubated smoothly on my first DL, placed an arterial line with the total process taking less than 5 minutes, and placed a 14 g IV without blowing the vein, but all I heard was..."You're making that look too hard, anesthesia is all about how you look," "why are you touching that you're being filthy! You may as well shove your hand in the surgical wound!" "You're not always going to have a handmaiden around to help you." Great. Way to make me proud of the fact that we were ready for incision on a CABG by 0800 with a 0730 start time, patient in the room 4 minutes early. She didn't even arrive at the damn hospital until after 0720. Sigh. Can't win sometimes.
That night was hard to come home alone. It was so amazing to have N there before because she totally understands all this nonsense and makes me feel so much better when I talk to her. Talking on the phone just isn't the same. My alternative was kickboxing.
When we were off work in Pittsburgh, we went with N's sister-in-law to a cardio kickboxing class which ended up being pretty fun and N joined up, so I thought I would find a place around here that offered lessons. I ended up going for the first time last night and it was pretty much as cool as the one in Pittsburgh, so I signed up. Barring the availability of N for support, punching the crap out of a bag was a good way to take out my frustrations. And I slouched out of there like I'd run a marathon...it's an extremely rigorous workout that I can't quite keep up with yet, but at least there's room to grow. And I'll definitely still fit in my shorts next summer if I keep it up ;)
I guess that's all for now...I should study. May as well take advantage of silent solitude.
I'll summarize the last two months...
1. Move to Connecticut, apartment couldn't be smaller, but here I am
2. Back to Philadelphia to enjoy two weeks with N before she moves
3. N's movers fuck up and arrive 4 hours late. Insanity follows. We move out of our beautiful Philadelphia apartment and bid farewell to our friends with an amazing dinner at Tria
4. Two days later N starts work and I start work. Things are positively insanely crazy. N's family helps move her in. My classmates seem nice
5. I go to Pittsburgh to visit N for the first time, and we find out her mother has found out N is gay. Shit. More drama follows. We can't go to WA for vacation anymore.
(N throughout all of this is studying for her anesthesia boards. Stress levels are at an all-time high.)
6. I go back to CT and finish my orientation and start working. Anesthesia is great! I visit Pittsburgh a few times for moral support.
7. N takes anesthesiology boards. It's finally, finally over.
8. We spend most of vacation in Pittsburgh. It's amazing to be with N again, and the week is all-too short.
9. I go to Portland, OR for the weekend to see my mother, grandmother, and dog who is dying of cancer. I may never see her again. Cancer sucks.
That about catches us up to this week. I may back-track and make a few posts, but only if I have time...it's been a really, really crazy summer and so much of what happened was so emotional I really don't want to re-live it all just now.
Today is pretty much my first weekend day in CT alone. I used it to sleep in and get work done...finally registered my car and got my new driver's license. Can you believe they charge property tax on your car in this town? Insanity. I've also been tidying the shoebox.
Now that N is done with her test and we were spoiled by a week together, I'm really missing her and feeling the unfairness of this whole thing. It's hard to hear other people talking about their home lives, see posts on F.acebook...I want her with me!!! I know we'll make it through this year, but it just makes me feel ill that I don't know the next time we'll see each other. Her job only creates the schedule once per month, so there's no telling what her calls will be like until very short notice. Sigh.
On the work front, things are mostly going well. I seem to be pretty good at the technical procedures (IV, arterial line, intubation) and the basics of maintaining an anesthetic and coming up with a plan. It's still sometimes hard for me to know how to approach a "hiccup" in my plan or wake a patient up from anesthesia. Waking up is harder! Figuring out the timing of when to give what medicine, and when not to, will come in time, but so far...I think I'm okay for my level of training. Tomorrow is my first weekend call, so we'll see how that goes when there's not a a lot of supervision to go around.
I had a rotten morning yesterday, which has been the exception to my otherwise great week. The attending I was working with for a cardiac case was really uninterested in me being there and nothing I did was right. I placed a 16 g IV in the hallway in seconds, intubated smoothly on my first DL, placed an arterial line with the total process taking less than 5 minutes, and placed a 14 g IV without blowing the vein, but all I heard was..."You're making that look too hard, anesthesia is all about how you look," "why are you touching that you're being filthy! You may as well shove your hand in the surgical wound!" "You're not always going to have a handmaiden around to help you." Great. Way to make me proud of the fact that we were ready for incision on a CABG by 0800 with a 0730 start time, patient in the room 4 minutes early. She didn't even arrive at the damn hospital until after 0720. Sigh. Can't win sometimes.
That night was hard to come home alone. It was so amazing to have N there before because she totally understands all this nonsense and makes me feel so much better when I talk to her. Talking on the phone just isn't the same. My alternative was kickboxing.
When we were off work in Pittsburgh, we went with N's sister-in-law to a cardio kickboxing class which ended up being pretty fun and N joined up, so I thought I would find a place around here that offered lessons. I ended up going for the first time last night and it was pretty much as cool as the one in Pittsburgh, so I signed up. Barring the availability of N for support, punching the crap out of a bag was a good way to take out my frustrations. And I slouched out of there like I'd run a marathon...it's an extremely rigorous workout that I can't quite keep up with yet, but at least there's room to grow. And I'll definitely still fit in my shorts next summer if I keep it up ;)
I guess that's all for now...I should study. May as well take advantage of silent solitude.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
iPhone fail
I went, forgot to put on sunscreen, line was outside...there we go. So I went home :(
On the bright side, I won my fight with C.omcast and will actually have internet in my new apartment. Yay.
Is N home yet?
On the bright side, I won my fight with C.omcast and will actually have internet in my new apartment. Yay.
Is N home yet?
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
1 week
Today marks one more week until my final move from Pennsylvania to Connecticut. It's more than just a move, it's like moving one step forward in my career but also a colossal pause in my personal life. I'm exited to finally be done with my Medicine internship...that was a massive pain in the ass. I'm also more than ready to start my anesthesia training, which has been my goal for more years than I can remember. But starting this means moving to Connecticut, which I know nothing about, and it means that my partner, N, will be moving to Pittsburgh for her fellowship. Enter distance relationship. Neither of us are too thrilled about this, but it's happening whether we want it to or not. I think that if we were doing this together, this time would be incredibly exciting, but as it is, our situation makes it really hard to look forward to anything. Sigh.
I was planning to spend this week packing, but since N is amazing and has hired people to do the packing, I will now spend it sitting on my behind doing nothing. Woo! Thanks baby! I would have been more than happy to do it, but I have nothing to complain about here. So I will be spending tomorrow morning waiting in line to buy iPhones instead.
As for today, N will be home soon and I need to finish dealing with C.omcast and a variety of other entities now so I can actually spend some time with her.
I was planning to spend this week packing, but since N is amazing and has hired people to do the packing, I will now spend it sitting on my behind doing nothing. Woo! Thanks baby! I would have been more than happy to do it, but I have nothing to complain about here. So I will be spending tomorrow morning waiting in line to buy iPhones instead.
As for today, N will be home soon and I need to finish dealing with C.omcast and a variety of other entities now so I can actually spend some time with her.
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