Really neglectful blogger

It's funny how life gets in the way of documenting my life...my oh my how things do change.

I survived the surgical ICU and two more months of the OR...regular and ambulatory surgery. There have been ups and downs, I think I'm getting better at my job, and time marches on. Call schedules are never favorable, people are always being unfair, and I'm always tired. I think that sentence sums up medical residency pretty well.

On the personal side of things, I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with N and her family in Pittsburgh! I got 4 days off from work, thanks to one of my generous colleagues who traded calls with me, and I had an amazing time. The consistency of being together for nearly a week made life feel normal again. Until I came back to New Haven.

Things are up in the air these days. N had an amazing two months in cardiac pediatric anesthesia and is likely going to pursue additional training, which inevitably means more time apart. We miss each other so much that we're both riddled with chest pangs and moments of coming nearly to tears for no apparent reason. Living apart is just...so hard when residency is involved. Unpredictable and demanding schedules prevent us from making plans, and when we can make plans, they end up ruined often times.

I know that it's "just a year" turning into "it's just one and a half or two years," and I know that in the long run, this may not make a lot of difference, but the truth is, we're miserable. It's so damn hard to look ahead at months more of this. So hard to be away from the person I love so much all the time. I feel like life happens in fits and starts, or when we're apart, like the other night with N went with her brother and his wife and child to a flower show. They sent me a photo...and I cried. I just wanted to be there so much. I hate having to hear about her life on the phone, on my cell which gets bad reception in my apartment. My heart breaks every day.

But we're professionals, and we're developing careers, and this is how it has to be, I guess. I feel trapped. There's no good way to make things work nicely at this point, so we have to settle for the best we can do. I've been in a place before where all I could hope for was my future, but then I met N and I knew what it was to be happy *right now.* Now it's really hard to be back in that place, wondering when things will just feel normal again.

Maybe N should try to go to Boston for fellowship, even though it will be one year and not 6 months? Maybe I should try to find another residency where we can be closer? Maybe we should both just quit, skip the country, and hide in Trinidad weaving baskets?

I just don't know.